It has been just shy of 7 months since my brother and one of my closest friends suddenly passed. No words can ever describe the hole that he has left in my heart.

I have always been quite “vocal” (to put it nicely?) with my feelings, especially in writing, but have felt silenced since his passing. Looking not for pity, or sympathy I have feared that stating my piece would leave me unwillingly vulnerable, to those closest to me who already work non stop to provide me with reason to get out of bed each morning. It has not been easy, no doubt it ever will be, but alas I am 28, only two years younger than Thomas at his end. I have so much life left in me to live, and if not, and my best before date reflects my dearest brothers, I want to know that I lived my life to the fullest. Just like he did, and just like he would be doing if he were still here with us.

So to Thomas, R, thank you for teaching me to love, laugh, and live every day like it was my last. This blog is in your memory. You continue to inspire me in your absence, and I know somehow and someway you are still here beside me calling me “Household” demanding me back into the kitchen while slapping your crossed leg and silently laughing. An act only a fool like me wouldn’t find sexist and offensive. It was always for the laugh, and neither you nor I have ever had a problem with being the butt end of the joke, so long as people were laughing. I miss you dearly my brother.

Lastly, to my friends, family, and those friends close enough to be considered my family, this blog is my Thank You. My thank you for not giving up on me during my dark days, and holding my hand during my bright days, knowing any moment a cloud may cast over my blue skies. Among the 173947594 emotions I feel waking up every morning (98% of those being unpleasant) I feel grateful that I am surrounded by such incredible people, and the love they pour over me.

No doubt there will be days I sit in front of my computer and cry, days I crumple paper after paper in anger, and days I feel too raw to place my feelings online for the world to see. I promise to always do my best to persevere, and to share my memories, and sentiments of one of my greatest loves and my all time biggest loss.