It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written for Love and Loss, and without making excuses for myself, it’s mostly because I haven’t known where to even begin. Trapped on this nauseating rollercoaster, COVID-19 has taken me on one hell of a ride.
When we used to hear of major world events through grandparents or history books, it all felt so distanced. Another lifetime, another country, I never thought such a tragedy could happen to me. How could I ever have been so naïve? Now look at where we are. Living history, and eager for the day our children or grandchildren will listen in disbelief to our stories of the months in lockdown, birthdays over video calls, cancelled holidays and who can forget the hoarding. (Face masks, hand sanitizer, Lysol wipes, and toilet paper. The latter of which still leaves me baffled!)
Let me preface this conversation by acknowledging my privilege. The pandemic has been a struggle, but I cannot overlook my position in life that has helped me acquire a safe place to live, free access to healthcare, a savings account, and support from my network of family and friends. There are so many here, and around the world that have felt their suffering magnified by the pandemic. Navigating these choppy waters alone, being pulled down by the tide. Your suffering is not lost on me, I pray you can persevere.
I’m not sure I can pinpoint the exact moment. But somewhere along the winding road of 2020, crying in the shower felt less about Thomas, or Grammie, Laureen or Grandpa, and felt more about my own confusion, anger, and a dwindling self-worth. As Ontario began to lose its battle against COVID, I began to lose myself.
There’s no denying that I’m a creature of comfort. Boring as it may be, I rely on my routines including work, writing and socializing to maintain my sense of fulfillment. In one fell swoop it felt as though I had lost it all. Laid off from work, canceled writing contracts, visiting family and friends through a screen or at a distance. I felt isolated and lonely. I dreaded Nick leaving for work every morning and counted the minutes until he returned to relieve me from myself.
It has taken some time, longer than I would’ve liked, to regain my sense of self and continue my evolution. I’m committed to my personal and professional growth, as a friend, daughter, sister, and to furthering my career as a writer. It has not been easy, and sometimes it feels down right impossible, but when I look in the metaphorical mirror – I finally see the reflection I’ve been longing for.
Some days I push, other days I drag, but every day I move forward.
By no means should this piece be interpreted as a cry for help. I am so blessed to have the most wonderful humans holding me up. I could not ask for anything more. But perhaps this is a subtle reminder that we are all just floating along through high tides and lows, thunderstorms and bright sunny skies. Sometimes the journey is heavenly but on other occasions it’s simply hell.
How ever this wild ride feels for you today – that’s ok. Every single feeling, all of the good and all of the bad is valid. It’s your truth. What’s important is that we all hold on. And if you no longer feel you can, if your hand starts to slip, or your dingy deflate – shoot up a flare and let those who love you bring you safely to shore.
Love and Loss 